


Camp Camp Rewrites of Bob's Burgers Episodes

by adventureandstuff



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon), Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Episode Remix, Family Fluff, Gen, I literally have No Life, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 14:41:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9239375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adventureandstuff/pseuds/adventureandstuff
Summary: Because why not? Some of these might get OOC at times, but oh well. So yep.Based on my AU where Max is Louise, Nikki is Gene, Neil is Tina, Gwen is Bob, and David is Linda. There are others but there's too many to list.All credit goes to the creators of Bob's Burgers and this was just for fun.Touched up by h0rrible_excuse.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MattyWantsToBattle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MattyWantsToBattle/gifts).



David: Dish-a-dee-do Dish-a-de-dee, da-da-washin' the dishes Aba-ba-ba-ba. All right, all done with the dishes. Time for family game night. Whoo! Left hand red. Whoa-oh! I'm losing my balance. Whoa! Gwen? Kids? Where is everyone? What's up?

Max: Take that. And that.

Nikki: You naughty witch!

David: What's, uh what's going on?

Nikki: It's this thing we do with Mom.

Neil: Yeah! It's called "stone the witch." Mom's the witch, but it's just pretend. Right, Mom?

David: Well, as you know, it's family game night and things are really heating up in the living room, so, you know

Gwen: Come on, kids. I feel limber.

Nikki: I'm ready to dominate!

Max: Um, how about a rain check on that?

Gwen: Let me up.

Max: We're kind of in the middle of something here.

David: Well, then I'll just play this with you guys. Whoa, ooh, here comes the blanket. That'll warm you to death.

Gwen: Yeah.

David: And, oh, ooh how about this catalog? You can learn all about the season's new blazers.

Neil: Wait, I'm lost.

Max: Okay, let's take five, everybody.

David: What? No, hey, ooh, how about doilies? We can have a fancy witch with a doily hat.

Gwen: Hmm.

Max: David, it's over. You ruined it, okay? You "Davided" it all up.

Gwen: Uh-oh.

David: What's that supposed to mean? Gwen's here! Did she "Gwen" it all up?

Max: Yeah, but that's a good thing.

Gwen: Oh, boy.

David: Fine! I don't want to play your dumb old game anyway.

Max: Well, that's 'cause you suck at it!

Neil: Uh-oh.

Nikki: Ouch.

Gwen: Oh, God.

David: Don't you talk to me that way, Mister Smart Mouth. You just bought yourself a ticket to your room.

Max: Oh, fine. Best money I ever spent. You can't ruin anything in there!

David: I'm going back to family game night by myself!

Gwen: Oh. Oh. Oops.

Nikki: [Picks up the magazine] May I? I'd look great in that. I'd look great in that. I'd look great in that.

 

David: Right foot blue. Terrific, I win.

 

Gwen: Dave, you okay?

David: Mm-hmm.

Gwen: You're not mad, are you?

David: No, no.

Gwen: Okay, well, good night.

David: Oh, you just think you're so much fun. Don't you, Mrs. Fun Buns?

Gwen: What?

David: I'm sorry. It's just that Max, he's always liked you better. Ever since he was a baby.

 

[Flashback]

David: Are you daddy's little cutie pie?

Max: Mama.

David: And Dada.

Max: Mama.

David: Dada.

Max: Mama.

David: Dada.

Max: Mama. Mama.

David: Dada.

Max: Mama.

David: Dada.

Max: Mama.

David: Da Da.

Max: Ma Ma.

David: Da. Da. Da.

Max: Ma. Ma. Ma.

David: Da, Da, DA!

Max: Ma ma!

David: All right, you know what!? Change your own diaper!

 

Gwen: Well, don't worry, Dave. He's just going through a phase. A ten-year phase he'll grow out of.

David: Well, I'm not waiting for that. According to the Phenomimom-

Gwen: The Phenomimom?

David: It's a parent blog, by Dakota Applebaum. She says one way a parent and a child can connect is through story time.

Gwen: Phenomimom. That's fun to say.

David: I am gonna go story that little punk.

Gwen: Sounds good.

 

David: Max, you awake? Max? Max!

Max: Huh? What? What's going on?

David: Sorry, did I wake you up? Look what I brought. Princess Pigeon Toe remember?

Max: Oh, no.

David: Uh-huh.

Max: Not that book.

David: Scootch over. Scootch.

Max: This is a twin. Come on. There's not a lot of room. Come on, come on!

David: Move, move, move. "Princess Pigeon Toe lived in a peacock castle on Penguin Lane."

Max: Please stop, please stop, please stop!

David: "Every day, she went to Parakeet Park to play pinochle with Pauly the Porpoise."

Max: Oh, no! Please, just let me sleep!

David: "Sometimes they take a picnic basket full of pickles and PEPPERS AND PUMPKIN PIE!" 

Max: Please make it stop!

 

Neil: It's Sasha and Erin.

Nikki: Wha?

Neil: The most popular girls at school. How do I look?

Nikki: Oh, good

Neil: Hi. I'm Neil. I'll be your server today, and hopefully in the future, your good friend.

Sasha: That's nice. I'll have a cheeseburger.

Erin: Me, too.

Neil: Okay, two cheeseburgers.

Sasha: Erin, did you see Jason's legs? So hairy.

Erin: Oh, my God, I know so gross. I would never date a guy like that.

Sasha: Right? Get a razor.

Erin: More like a lawnmower.

Neil: Yeah-oh! When did you get there?

Erin: What'd you say?

Neil: Nothing. Nikki, hide my legs!

Nikki: On it! Nothing to see here! This is just how we walk in the restaurant biz!

 

David: Aw. My teeny Neil's growing up.

[Max walks in holding a poster that's a picture collage of both Max and David]

Max: Um who did this?

David: I did.

Max: Oh, you did?

David: Yes.

Max: Oh, what a surprise. Well, you left it in my room.

David: Yeah, the Phenomi- I mean, I think it's important to create tangible expressions of our relationship.

Max: Oh, well, isn't that- [Drops it on the ground] Whoops.

David: Hey, you hang that up in your room! You know you're gonna need your father someday. Who's gonna help you out, huh?

Max: No one!

[Max leaves the rooms and then comes back]

Max: And I'm gonna learn about sex from television, so I don't need that from you, either!

[Max leaves]

Neil: Wait, maybe you should take some time to cool off.

Nikki: Yeah, I don't think you should shave angry.

David: Who's angry?! [Breaks shaving tool]

 

Gwen: Uh, listen, David, do you think you might be forcing it a little?

David: I'm not forcing it, Gwen!

Gwen: Right.

David: Max is gonna see that his best friend is his father even if I have to SHAKE. IT. INTO. HIM. [Shakes Gwen]

Gwen: Ow.

David: Shake it, yes, shake it!

Gwen: Stop, no, stop.

David: Like that. Ooh, look! [Points to computer]

Gwen: No.

David: Yes.

Gwen: No, no, no, no.

David: Yes!

 

[In car]

David: Okay, here we go.Going on a little errand, that's all.

Max: We need to talk. Look, I think we should spend some time apart.

David: Mm-hmm, yeah.

Max: I'm just not really looking for something serious right now.

David: Sure, sure.

Max: You understand. I mean, yeah, it's gonna be a little awkward. You got some of your stuff at my place. We live together-

David: We're here!

Max: Laser tag? A little dated, but all right.

David: Not that. That! [Points]

Max: [Rolls down car window and yells out] I've been kidnapped!

David: No, he hasn't. We're fine. Keep moving. Nothing to see here. Nice blouse. Come on.

Max: No, no, no, no, no!

David: Max, relax. It's not like I'm torturing you. I'm just taking you to an eight-hour seminar.

Max: Eight hours?!

David: Yes, our relationship needs help. Professional help.

David: Hey!

Max: [On motorcycle nearby, trying to start the engine] Start, damn you, start. 

[David picks Max up]

Max: No!

David: Oh, all right, all right. 20 bucks.

Max: What?

David: I'll give you 20 bucks if you come and do this with me.

Max: Interesting. $1,000.

David: $28.

Max: $29.50.

David: Deal.

Max: This is gonna be the hardest money I've ever earned.

 

Dakota: Welcome, everyone. Welcome to my mother/daughter seminar Modo Time.

Max: Mother/daughter? What the fuck?

David: Shh. That's all they had.

Dakota: I'm Dakota.

David: Wait, you're the Phenomimom? But you're a man.

Dakota: I am a man. And that's okay. The female spirit flows through all of us. We're all estro-geniuses. Everybody stand up and say it, "I am an estro-genius!"

Everyone but Max: I am an estro-genius!

Max: Oh, dear.

Dakota: Guys, today we are going back. We're gonna go all the way back to the womb. We're gonna get into a womb-a-tism!

Max: A what?

Dakota: A womb-a-tism!

Max: Ooh, a what?

[Nurf's mom drags Nurf in the building]

Nurf: No!

Nurf's Mother: Hi. Sorry we're late.

Dakota: Ooh, a male daughter.

Max: Ha-ha, Nurf!

Nurf: Oh, God, IT's here.

Nurf's Mom: Sorry, this was the only seminar available, and we had an incident yesterday. Nurf called me the "B" word.

Dakota: Why must that word exist?

Max: Question. What's the "uter-room?"

Dakota: Well, I'm hoping what's in that room won't be necessary. Now, let Modo Time begin! 

 

Neil: Mom, I want you to drop everything you're doing and shave my legs.

Nikki: I'll take care of the first part. [Drops the tray of food that she was holding]

Gwen: Nikki.

Nikki: I was _trying_ to help!

Gwen: Uh, Neil, can't you just shave them yourself?

Neil: I tried.

Gwen: Oh, God!

Nikki: Aah!

Gwen: Oh, oh, dear.

Nikki: Oh oh, my aah!

Gwen: No more razors for you. Just wait for Dad.

Neil: You wait for Dad. If I don't shave this before school tomorrow, Sasha and Erin might talk about me at some restaurant.

Gwen: All right, fine.

Neil: Like a seafood restaurant or a Chinese restaurant.

Gwen: Neil.

Neil: Or that rain forest restaurant with all the jungle sounds. Or McCormick and Schmidt's.

Gwen: I said I'll do it.

Neil: Oh, okay, thanks.

 

Dakota: There was a time when you got all you needed from your mother through a single cord. Mothers, please strap your symbolic umbilical cords to your daughters' faces. I call them "umbilitators."

Max: That's not how umbilical cords work.

Dakota: Here we go wee-ooh!

Max: It doesn't make any sense!

Dakota: And feed those fetuses. Down the hatch.

David: Max, open your mouth. Max, open your mouth. Uh-uh. Yeah, he's fine. We're fine. Yes, open that fetus mouth! Oh, it's fun.

Max: Money.

David: What?

Max: Money.

David: No, no more extorting me.

Max: Mm-hmm.

David: Okay, fine. Five bucks now, swallow. Mmm, oh, he loves it. Aw.

 

Lady: Oh, hello. You must be here for our back waxing special.

Gwen: Um, no.

Lady: Arm waxing?

Gwen: No.

Lady: Scrotal waxing?

Gwen: No, what? No!

Nikki: Yeah, that one!

Gwen: No, no, not that one.

Nikki: Yes.

Gwen: Nikki, stop.

Nikki: You need it.

Gwen: Nikki, shut up. My son needs to get his legs waxed.

Neil: Hi.

Lady: Oh. Phew. I mean, not that I don't want to wax you but no, I have my limits.

Gwen: Okay, well, you don't have to be rude.

Neil: Why don't we just take you in the back, sweetheart?

Gwen: It's your job, you know!

Nikki: I'd wax you, Mom.

Gwen: Thanks, Nikki.

 

David: Time to be born!

Max: This is disgusting.

David: You sound just like your mother. Max, come to Dada!

Max: Oh, no, I think I'm good, thank you.

David: Can I get some scissors, Dakota? Do a little C-section? Dakota: Those vagisacks cost $50, so no.

Max: Speaking of money.

David: Here.

Max: Someone's dilating!

David: There he is.

Dakota: And time to swaddle the baby.

Max: No, no, no, no, no, no, no oh, God.

David: Snug it up, now, snug it up.

Max: No.

 

Neil: I shaved that part.

Lady: You must have been very determined.

Neil: Thank you.

Lady: Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna put the hot wax on your legs.

Neil: Uh-huh.

Lady: And then we put these strips on your legs and pull them off.

Neil: Uh-huh.

Lady: And it kind of hurts.

Neil: Uh-huh-ah.

Lady: A lot.

Neil: Mom! I don't know if I can do this. Mom, you have to do it with me.

Gwen: What? No, no way.

Neil: Yes, it's like when you got that flu shot to show me it was okay.

Gwen: Yeah, that was brave of me, but-

Neil: Please? I know I act tough, but I'm not.

Gwen: Oh, my God the crying. Okay, I'll do it.

Nikki: Yay, scrotal wax!

Gwen: No, Nikki, not scrotal, just leg.

Nikki: Oh, boo! 

 

Dakota: Okay, everybody, role reversal! Max, you're David now. And you're trying to get your defiant son Max to clean his room. Action!

Max: Role play's gonna cost you big.

David: I'll pay for it when I see it.

Max: Hello! I'm David! [Singing] And I want you to clean your room, so I'm singing this song-

David: [Singing] But I'm not gonna clean my room, la-la la-la la-la!

Max: No-no-no-no. No singing.

David: Wha?

Max: I'm doing you. That's why I'm singing. You're doing me, so you don't sing.

David: Oh, like I'm not gonna sing!

Max: [Yell-singing] Oh, you better clean your room!

David: [Also Yell-singing] I will never clean my room! 'Cause I'm singing this song! 'Cause I'm so REBELLIOUS!

Max: AND YOU'RE GONNA CLEAN YOUR ROOM!

David: NO, I'm not gonna stop!

Dakota: Okay, you two are done. Big hand for David and Max. Please sit down.

David: Great. You blew it.

Max: I blew it? You gave me nothing out there! 

David: Well, _nothing_ is what you're getting paid for _that!_

Dakota: _Whoa_. Time out. David, have you been paying your son to be here?

David: I'm sorry, Dakota, but it's the only way he'd do it. I'm a terrible parent.

Nurf's Mom: Oh, David, you _really, really_ are.

Dakota: Everybody, everybody, listen, okay? David is a good parent. Because he did it out of love. And that puts you in the running for the Most Valuable Mommy award the MVM, everybody which I give out at the end of the day.

David: All right! MVM!

Max: Pshh.

Dakota: And as for you, I don't feel like you're taking Modo Time seriously.

Max: Oh, no, not at all.

Dakota: And that makes me feel negatively towards you.

Max: Well, maybe this will help clear things up. Here's your seminar. See it? It's so cute and nice in my hand, and [Makes Raspberries]

Dakota: Did you just fart on my seminar?

Nurf: Yeah, me, too! [Raspberries]

Dakota: Okay, that's that's fine. I think I know what we need to do here.

Max: Hey! Watch it! Get off me!

Dakota: You two will stay in there until you're ready to engage in this experience! Oh, almost forgot.

Max: Oh, God. What is that?

Dakota: It's Freaky Friday on a loop.

Television: Mom, you're old. And you're young! Wouldn't it be crazy if we switched bodies?

Max: No! No!

Television: Oh-hoo-hoo! Oh, no, we switched bodies! What a crazy journey we are on.

Max: The logic of this movie is very unsettling! You can't do this, you monsters! 

 

Dakota: All right, well, why don't you two pair up now that your children are locked away?

David: Of course, Dakota. Come on, Cynthia. Let's you and me learn some mommy skills together.

Nurf's Mom: I'd like that, David.

Dakota: And don't forget about that Most Valuable Mommy award, everybody! It's a beautiful sash.

David: Huh.

Nurf's Mom: Huh.

David: Hmm.

Nurf's Mom: Hmm.

David: Ah. I want that sash.

Nurf's Mom: Over my dead body.

David: I want that sash. I love sashes.

 

Gwen: My legs are so free.

Nikki: Mmm.

Neil: So that's what air feels like. It's nice.

Gwen: Yeah, these pants feel incredible.

Neil: Why don't all guys do this?

Nikki: Hmph!

Gwen: Nikki, why are you making noises?

Nikki: They're my jealousy noises! Ugh!

Gwen: What are you saying?

Nikki: I want to wax my legs, too! These ones right here!

Gwen: You don't even have leg hair.

Nikki: Tell that to my heart!

Gwen: Hold on, everybody. We're making a U-turn.

Nikki: All right!

 

David: Ow! Gentle touch, Cynthia. A mother's gentle touch.

Nurf's Mom: I'm so sorry.

David: You know, Dakota, when I braid my daughter's hair, I sing her a song.

Dakota: Ah, yes, please.

David: Here goes the hair and there goes the hair and where is Harry Truman? He's dead in the ground, he's dead in the ground, he's dead, dead, dead-

[Nurf's Mom pulls on his hair]

David: Ow! Ow!

 

Television: Well we switched bodies again, and everything's back to normal. I finally understand you, Mom.

Nurf: Freaky Friday's getting to me, man. They really understand each other! 

Max: You pull yourself together! We got to get out of here.

Nurf: They just had to see things from each other's perspective.

Max: Nurf, come on! We got to think! 

Nurf: Walk a mile in each other's shoes-

Max: Oh, I swear to God, if you keep fucking talking, I'm gonna gut-punch you! 

Nurf: It's a beautiful story of love and acceptance.

[Max punches Nurf]

Nurf: Oh, my stomach!

Max: Wait a minute. That's it!

 

Jasper: Wow.

Gwen: See? What'd I tell you? That is smooth. Whoa, whoa, Jasper.

Jasper: What, a little high up on the leg?

Gwen: Yeah.

Jasper: Sorry.

Gwen: There's a stop sign right here.

Neil: Now feel mine.

Nikki: And mine!

Gwen: No, Jasper, don't touch their legs.

Jasper: Hey, maybe I'll shoot over there and get what you got. Nah, on second thought, I couldn't get rid of these little guys. They're my little furry friends.

Nikki: Don't listen to him, you're an embarrassment!

Jasper: No, don't listen to her. You're all right.

 

Max and Nurf: [Calling them]

Dakota: Did you hear that, everybody? They're coming around. The Uter-Room is working!

Max: Oh, that umbilical soup got me, Dad. Got me real bad. Rub my tummy?

Nurf: Mine, too.

David: Oh, my poor baby.

Dakota: It's wonderful. A parent's instinct at its most primal level! Come, mothers, come and see!

David: I'm gonna make you all better.

Nurf's Mom: Well, this mommy's gonna make you all better first.

Max: Now!

[Max and Nurf run out of the room and lock the door on all the adults]

Max: Ha!

Dakota: What the heck's going on? Uh, what are what are you doing?

Max: You fell for the oldest trick in the book. The fake tummy ache! The old belly bluff.

Dakota: Oh, the belly bluff!

Max: Now, if you'll excuse us, me and the girls- Sorry. Ladies-

Nurf: Thank you.

Max: Are going to play laser tag.

All the kids: Whoo-hoo!

David: Oh, I hope those lasers hit you right in the butt!

Dakota: [Tries to bust the door open] Come on, you! Damn these delicate shoulders!

Nurf's Mom: Let me try.

David: Where'd you learn how to break down a door, Girl Scout camp? Move it.

 

Max: "No covering your sensors. No climbing on the barriers. And no physical contact of any kind." Well, agree to disagree.

Nerris: I feel kind of bad about locking our moms in that room.

Max: [Shoots Nerris with the laser gun]

 

Gwen: Neil, what what's wrong?

Neil: I killed my friendly leg hairs.

Gwen: Um, oh. Well, they'll grow back.

Neil: It's not just that. I did it 'cause I was worried about what those girls would think of me. I'm a sheep! A hairless sheep!

Gwen: So you gave in to peer pressure. It happens to everybody. I mean, why do you think I wear these shoes?

Neil: 'Cause you don't care what you look like?

Gwen: What? No. 'Cause I, No. 'Cause I saw some other chefs wearing them and I thought they were cool. Don't you think?

Neil: Yeah, yeah.

Gwen: What do you mean? I think they're-

Neil: Yeah, they're cool.

Gwen: Um, okay. Well, if they look stupid, I won't wear them.

Neil: No, they- Yeah.

Gwen: Forget it. Listen. Leg hair or no leg hair, you're still Neil, and when it comes to the important stuff, you'll make the right choice.

Gwen: Nikki, stop dragging mud in the house. Take a bath!

Nikki: No!

Gwen: Ugh.

 

Max: What the hell? How'd you get out?

David: I busted through the door.

Nurf's Mom: Um, we busted through the door.

David: Fine. My shoulder and Cynthia's left boob.

Dakota: All right, everybody. Fun's over. Now, let's get back on Modo Time.

Max: Oh, no fucking way!

Nurf's Mom: You are coming back to the Nurture Center right now! You're in big trouble, Nurf Berry Bush!

David: Huh? Nurf Berry Bush?

Nurf's Mom: We didn't think it through!

Dakota: Okay, everybody, calm down. Now, how do we get down there?

Nurf's Mom: No one goes in without a vest and a laser gun.

Dakota: Well, that's not happening.

David: I'll go down there!

Dakota: David, no! Laser tag goes against everything we've been working on! And besides you're mothers.

David: Uh-huh. Where's my gun?!

Max: So, welcome to the war.

Dakota: Okay, first, uh let's just try to create a dialogue, and we'll-

David: You're gonna get it, Mister!

Max: Why don't you let your gun do the talking, blabbermouth!

David: Blabbermouth?

Dakota: David, this isn't right!

David: Feels pretty good to me!

Dakota: I am ordering you to put down your gun and go cradle your son!

David: No! I'm gonna shoot him instead! Ha! Gotcha!

Max: I gave you that one!

David: Nah!

Dakota: This is seriously hurting your chances of receiving the MVM award! Maybe I should give the sash to Cynthia, huh?

Nurf's Mom: Die, Nurf! Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa, seriously? I'm the MVM?

David: What?! The sash! Oh!

Max: That's for kidnapping me!

David: Ooh! Aah!

Max: And that's for taking me to The Momgina Monologues!

David: You almost killed your father. I hope you're happy.

Max: I am! Any last words?

David: Yes. I just wish I just wish you liked me, that's all. But I guess you never will, so go ahead, put me out of my misery.

Max: Is this all 'cause you think I don't like you?

David: Go on. Just do it. Just go. Take me out. Go ahead.

Max: Dad, I guess I've been kind of an asshole today.

David: You have. But I came on a little strong.

Max: I'm sorr-

Dakota: You! You ruined my beautiful seminar, you little brat! And now you're gonna pay! 

Max: Aah!

David: No! Max! Suck on this soup tube, Dakota! It's laser-flavored!

Max: Nice!

David: Look north, Dakota.

Max: Whoa, amazing!

David: Make my day!

Max: No, no, better before.

Dakota: Wait, wait. Hold on.

Guy: Hey, get off the equipment!

David: Oh, shove it! I'm bonding with my son!

Max: Yeah, we're bonding here! 

 

Max: Best therapy ever. You should have seen the way David took down Dakota.

David: Phenomimom, my butt.

Max: Mine, too! Up high!

David: Yeah, that's my Max! Quit scratching, you two.

Gwen: Can't help it. It itches.

Nikki: Yeah, mine, too. Switch?

Gwen: Okay.

Nikki: Come on, scratch like a man! Give it to me!

David: Neil, I'm sorry I wasn't there to give you your first shave.

Neil: It's okay. I regretted it anyway. But it was fun going to the waxing salon with Mom. She's a screamer.

Gwen: Ow, Nikki! Not so hard!

Max: Aw, man! Your day sounds better.

David: What?

Max: I want to go shave my legs with Gwen and then regret it.

Nikki: Yeah, let's make all the same mistakes with Mom again tomorrow!

Gwen: Okay.

Neil: Yay, Mom.

David: Oh, forget all of you.

Max: Oh, Dad. Come here.

**Author's Note:**

> Once again all rights goes to the original creators? Saying that again just in case.


End file.
